No Contact

You called me tonight and confessed you were involved with someone in an unromantic relationship. You asked to keep me as a friend, and that you appreciated me. But still, after everything we’ve been through, and all of the fun we’ve had these past few months of rekindling and rebuilding a foundation–you couldn’t make a decision. I know you feel pressured, and I acknowledged that over the phone with you, but I clearly stated that I wouldn’t force you into a corner. That I wouldn’t be the one to give you an ultimatum by choosing him or me. I want you to figure this out on your own. I want your feelings to feel unclouded. I want us to get back together organically. I want you to feel something romantically for me that isn’t forced. I guess I can’t have that right now, but I suppose that’s ok. I told you I needed space, and I was very open and honest about this. I’m actually kind of proud of myself; I didn’t think I’d ever do this. Emotionally, I explained that I still really like you, and that I can never hate you. I said that I’ll always be there for you, and that we’ll always be friends. I made it clear that what we have, right now, is stronger than what we had in the past. But I also told you that waking up every day was tearing me apart. Like a patient in front of a psychologist, you now know the anxiety, pain and desperation I’ve been feeling for the past few months. These are the exact reasons why I’m going “No Contact” with you. I never explicitly called it this, rather, you heard me say “Taking a break for my own space.” I know I need this, but it still hurts knowing that I won’t be texting you, or calling you, or even seeing you for X amount of days. And, unfortunately, I’m going to have to ignore everything you throw at me. I don’t know how I’m going to do this, but I have to stay strong. For the both of us.

I need you to know that what we had is stronger than any rebound relationship you’re currently in. I need you to miss me. And… I need you to love me.

For my own personal reference, I have started no contact January 2, 2017 at 2208.

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No Contact

The end may be near

Hey there,

I woke up today with a realization that it’s time to start taking better care of myself. Not too long ago I was high on self-confidence, weight gain, muscle tone and new advances within my career. These past seven weeks, however, have completely nullified all of that. Even though I seem cool-headed in front of you, underneath the facade that I show is a bundle of anxiety, tangled nerves and crushing defeat.

Since I started chasing you, and wanting you back as my significant other, I have learned a lot about myself. I’ve become aware of my shortcomings, which is great. Today, I’m a better communicator, softer as a person in general and think that I have finally regained my passion for photography. Actually, scratch that last part! I have, and I have a new camera on the way, along with a new photo blog, too! So, for this, I thank you.

Two days ago we hung out and went to Descanso Gardens in Pasadena to see the light show. I had a blast, and I’m pretty sure you did too. You clung to my arm when it was cold, which made it feel like we were making progress. We took pictures together, as a couple. We laughed, talked about life, etc. The pictures, the ambiance, the hot chocolate, and the dinner that preceded the evening made it all feel right.  Back at your place, once the night ended, we somewhat cuddled on your couch as we watched Easy on Netflix. You were afraid of me putting my arm around you, so I resisted. I told you that “I won’t be pressuring you” because I meant it. I want our rekindling to be slow, new and filled with love. I went home thinking this was a big step for us, but the next day you went to a Christmas party with the same “friend” that you’ve obviously been dating for X amount of weeks/months. And what makes it even worse is that you posted photos of you two on social media, for not just everyone to see, but me as well. I understand that you need your space, and I’m giving it to you, but do you know how much it hurts me to see photos of you and your “friend” after we had a really great evening together? It just doesn’t make sense. What are you thinking? There is so much ambiguity right now.

This is why I feel like I’m getting closer and closer to ending this chase. The unknown scares me, and the way my mind has been working as of late makes me think that I’m in a losing battle. I don’t want to be your Plan B because I know how amazing I am. I’m a really great guy who deserves someone who will choose me first. I’ve done so many nice things for you, and have shown you how much I’ve changed. To me, it seems like our connections together go beyond just friendship; it almost feels better than what we had before.

But maybe the time away from you will do us both good. What do you think? Will you miss me? Or will you take my absence to get even closer to your “friend?”

The end may be near

A Care Package for my EX?

My ex-GF [29/F] and I [M/29] have been broken up for a few months now (September was the official month we went our separate ways). To put things into perspective, we were both at different places in our lives during this relationship; I, mostly focusing on my career and she being jobless, dealing with a dad with stage IV cancer, depression, and a hint of suicidal ideation. Throughout the last half of our relationship, I started working two jobs, finishing up my Bachelor’s in Nursing, and obtaining a special certification called the PCCN (more knowledge, pay, and marketability). She kept busy hanging out with friends, going on adventures, occasionally taking care of her dad, seeing a therapist (and getting on medication which has helped tremendously!) and trying to get our relationship back on track. The nail in the coffin for us was when I refused to go to Hawaii with her in mid-September (again, school and everything else posted up above). She told me that she didn’t think I wanted to be in a relationship with her anymore because I didn’t care about wanting to be with her.

6 weeks ago, I finished the long-term and short-term goals that I described above. I still have my other job, but now (finally), after coming from work, I have time for the relationship, to have fun, to go on trips, and love her liked I used to. No more studying, stress, or being overwhelmingly tired with life. And, I want you guys to know, that I have been routintely working out, seeing my friends, going to museums, cooking, etc. I’ve been doing great. My ex just finished school for a different career choice and finally got a job that she will be starting in mid-December! She is also doing great, and I’m extremely happy for her.

Problems that arose during the relationship from my point-of-view: she was too clingy, was going out too much without having a job, and not taking care of herself (I gave her the gigantic push to see her therapist). Problems from her point-of-view: Not enough time for her, not knowing when I’d ease up and enjoy life, and lack of communication. This is the general backstory of the culmination of problems that ended the relationship and why we’re in the position we’re in.

Now that the bad is out of the way, I do want to say that I love this woman a lot. Even though we had tough times that ended up in a break-up, I believe we are very compatible with one another. She makes me a stronger person, especially with her empathy. Her smile, charisma, and artsy background absolutely pull me in. We liked to cuddle together, and after talking with her recently, we got on the topic of sex where it was stated that we “did have really good sex.” All of this makes me yearn to try one more time because I have this intuition that if we get back together, the relationship will be twice as strong.

So, in a nutshell, I didn’t give her the time and love she needed, and I believe she couldn’t wait any longer (this makes sense–she didn’t know how much longer I’d be killing myself to get my career going). After seeing my ex-GF at a mutual friend’s party in October, we started to talk again. We communicate almost daily via text, occassionaly talk on the phone, and have gone out 4 times, all of which have been fun, stress-free, and filled with laughs (Our last date we got a facial, sushi, and ice cream!). During the last hangout 5 days ago, we talked a lot about our feelings. I told her that I wanted to try again (and that I still had feelings for her), and that if we were to get back together, that we would take it slowly. She told me she wanted “to see what else is out there first.” She hasn’t yet told me she is dating someone but a friend of mine has confirmed that she is non-seriously dating someone. Sometimes she posts stories of him on Instagram, and it hurts, though I’ve never told her this or have made myself look jealous/stupid.

Anyway, to sum things up, I’m going to New York this week and she wants me to bring her back a cookie! She’s also starting work the day after I come back, so I’ll see her right before she has her first day. Included with the cookie, I want to make her a care package with a white rose (her favorite), a framed photo of us, a jar of inspirational quotes that she can pick out of when she’s feeling down, and maybe an artsy knick-knack I find in NYC. Nothing in this care package will be materialistic—it will all be from the heart. I want to put all of my effort into getting her back before I lose her, because I don’t want to take the chance of her getting serious with this new guy. However, I understand that there’s a possibility of her rejecting me. I’ve thought about this, and I know that if she does, I will respect her opinion and go No-Contact for X amount of days to heal and move on. Do you guys think the care package will be a good idea? Knowing someone is with another is really anxiety-inducing and stressful.

A Care Package for my EX?

The Hangout

We hung out yesterday. In my opinion, I think we had a great time. Not only did we get an amazing facial, a first for the both of us, but we were both incredibly relaxed, elated and radiantly glowing with perfect skin! Remember the brownies and the cucumber water in the relaxation atrium? Yeah, those were absolutely decadent and refreshing. I’m happy you chose to go with me. When I arrived at your place to pick you up, you gave me the longest hug as if we haven’t seen each other in ages (the last time we saw each other was 10 days ago). As if my presence wasn’t enough, it felt like you tried to touch me with whatever you chance you got. For example, remember when I tried on your GI for your Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu class? You grabbed me, showed me your takedown technique, and I complimented you on how skillful and professional you looked (Not to mention cute, too!). I know you told me you had no expectations and that we were just friends right now, but the touchy-feely and flirty behavior from you caught me off-guard. Oh! And another thing! I fixed your garbage disposer yesterday, too! You can finally wash dishes in that sink of yours. It was actually pretty easy to do, so I’m glad I showed you. Just make sure you Youtube how to fix something prior to calling in an expensive handyman. Or, you know, I’m only a phone call away as well.

After our facial, we went to Sushi Dan and talked. This is where things got a bit dicey. I, as well as you, laid out how we’ve been feeling regarding everything that’s been happening. Unfortunately, you want to see “what else is out there.” As much as that phrase hurt me, I have to respect this decision of yours. If we’re ever going to move forward, I don’t ever want to manipulate you into doing something that you’re uncomfortable with. But now I need to make a decision. Do I continue to chase you? Or do I do my own thing and wait? I feel as if I’ve been waiting long enough, but I know that’s totally unfair and subjective to say. However, after everything was said on your part, I gushed out my feelings for you. You’re now keenly aware of how I feel, and the importance you have in my life. And I’ve been wanting to do this since sending you that email a few weeks back. The floodgates have been opened, per se. One thing I’m delighted to say is that you’ve noticed a change in my personality. I’m quoting you as saying “relaxed.” But to piggyback on this, I have changed. A lot. And this wasn’t just for you. It was for me.

The night ended with ice cream and the drive back to your place. I purposely asked to borrow your beanie that I gave you so that I can see your face again prior to leaving for New York (But in all honesty, I really do need that beanie for the cold weather). I hope you find it for me. Prior to driving back home, we gave each other a long hug, with our newly revitalized faces touching each other. Surprisingly, you gave me a quick kiss on the cheek and then skirted off to your apartment. You have no idea how happy that made me feel. I still don’t know what it means, though, but I think it’s a sign that my persistence and feelings for you are paying off. Now I need to set this relationship anxiety in a faraway place in my mind.

Hold on a sec… do you really want to see what else is out there?

The Hangout

I don’t want to be a robot anymore

I tried getting us off text because I’d rather hear your voice and engage in a more intimate conversation with you. If I ever want to get you back, it just can’t happen over text. That’s so robotic, isn’t it?! I’m not sure why it took my so long to realize this. Looking back, I believe constantly texting each other, instead of calling, slowly ruined our relationship. You were right in this aspect and I’m sorry for not listening. Through text, I can’t hear your cute laugh, the sexy tonality of knowing you want to see me, or willingly know that we’ll be engaged in a conversation for an infinite amount of time.

The last two times I called you out-of-the-blue. The last time I asked you for a specific time because you’re with family right now. But you never gave me a time. Why not? Would it be disrespectful to call you when you’re enjoying your time with family? My intuition tells me yes. So you know what? I’ll wait over the weekend and call you first thing Tuesday. Our texts today gave me a really great idea for a hangout, so I hope you’re down.

I don’t want to be a robot anymore

So here we are…

I know that you’re dating someone. I don’t know if it’s serious. That’s none of my business. Yet here we are, texting each other almost daily. And the fact that we’ve talked on the phone for 40+ minutes within a 7 day span is now starting to confuse me. The last call we had, which was 2 days ago, I asked you if you needed space. You never actually answered that, but we ended up talking about a lot of good things instead. You also laughed a lot, too.  So, why are you talking to me when you’re dating someone? Aren’t you going to just cut me off and focus on the other guy? Am I being too naive, or too hopeful, with the situation of wanting you back?

Frankly, I don’t care about the new guy. I’m astute to know that he is filling in the gaps that I didn’t when we were together. But I honestly hope it doesn’t last because I want you. I just want you to know that I’m quite confident with where I’m at, and how I’ve bettered myself. I’ve become aware of what pushed you away and have taken major steps to fixing those issues. I’m really, really proud of myself right now. From what you’ve told me, or hinted at times, is that you’ve noticed how sincere I am about your feelings and your perspective. Of course, I cared about how you felt when we were together in the past, but I never showed you. I never communicated. This is what brought our relationship to shambles.

If you remember, you said you’d call me back after our last conversation on the phone. You said that because you needed to focus on packing for a Thanksgiving trip with your dad. In the end, you never did call me back. I didn’t even get a text saying sorry, or that you’d call me tomorrow. Am I being used?

So here we are…

Love and Purgatory

Maybe I’m stuck here because you decided to text me. Or maybe it’s because you sent me that Snapchat out-of-the-blue. I was so committed to “No Contact” to win you back but here we are, texting each other. And I feel like I’m back in the same position I was when I confessed my feelings for you in my email. I was so vulnerable, but I really needed to you to know how I felt.

In case you’re wondering, it’s very hurtful when you take hours to text me back when I know you’re always on your phone. Plus, what are you even doing? You don’t even have a job, so what’s the deal? Are you confused about how you should answer? Are you confused if you want to be with me? Are you with someone else that you’ve ended up forgetting about me?

Do I deserve this for being a terrible communicator during our past? Look… even though I want you back, I’m starting to become cynical about starting over. From my own perspective, I know that I’ve become better, and I’ve changed to become that better version of myself that you wanted back when we were together. I know that, but you don’t, because the way you’re treating me is preventing me from showing you.

I still want you. I’ll still wait. But this has to stop. I texted you at 2:32pm and I still haven’t heard back. It’s now 11:41pm. Are you torturing me?

Love and Purgatory

Hi, are you there?

I’ve been wanting to show you this letter, but I’ve been shying away. This is my way of self-reflection. You deserve the space that you need, and to be fair, you don’t have to reply or saying anything about this letter at all. I’m scared of what it could do, honestly. But you have a right to know how I feel, and I hope that is okay. Even if you never open this, I’ll be somewhat content knowing that it’s with you.

What am I so afraid of? I’m afraid to lose you without showing you how I should’ve been. I’m afraid that I’ll never get to show you the person you once fell in love with. I’m afraid to lose you to someone else. I’m afraid that we’ll never get another chance to see us happy together.

In the past, I was overly-stressed, selfish, and focused on myself for so long that I forgot about you and I. Truly, realizations have shown me that focusing in on the present is more important, especially when it comes to forming relationships with the ones you love. I rarely communicated with you, and I’m sorry for that. With the way we’re communicating right now (which is nice, by the way), I feel the tables have turned a little. From my perspective, now I’m the one who is anxiously waiting for those responses, only to get them hours later with simplified responses. It hurts, Karina, and now I know how that feels. I’m sorry for putting you through that for so long. That was a terrible way to communicate. But, with all that said, I do remember when we communicated so well in the past. You said it yourself–it was like magic.

I miss you. I really do miss you. I miss, when you’re so giddy and happy while laying down bed, that you furiously kick your legs up and down with excitement. Or when you’re feeling shy, you hide yourself with the bedsheets, only to give me a glimmer of an eye to see you. I miss your smell and the ease it puts me into as we lay next to each other (Those nights laying, and cuddling, always put me to sleep really well). I miss when we called each other “baby love,” or when you called me “B.” I miss your creativity and your skill to look for the most intricate things in anything.  I miss the relaxation you feel after those much-needed massage sessions on your back. I miss cuddling with you. I miss holding your hand. I miss your presence. 

This is straight from my heart: I want to listen to your thoughts, your concerns, your happiness, your aspirations, your everything. Looking back, I’ve realized we work well together. But, also looking back, you probably view that so completely different. You probably think of me as an insensitive jerk, someone who is mean and non-empathetic, and quite frankly, someone who will continue to put his work/lifestyle over you. How do I show you that I’m a better person now? That I’m working towards being a better version of myself? That I’m really starting to live in the present? How do I show you that I’ve actually looked back and learned how to not be that guy?

Karina, I’ve never felt like this before. My heart, and my brain, well, they’ve been on overdrive for so long now that I don’t know what to do. How did you do it? I remember you were once in my position, but you got out. Look at you now! You’re doing amazing things. Taking trips. Completing rigorous schooling for your career. Taking care of your dad. Being an incredible cat and plant mom. You’re really doing so much and I aspire to be someone like you. You truly are an inspiration.

I’m reading an old email you sent me, where you wrote about how long it took for us to kiss because we wanted to build that foundation. I still think the foundation is present, though I’m sure we both know it could use a bit more stability. I’m more than happy to work on it if you are.

Cheesy, yet honest,

B

Hi, are you there?

Get Moving

Get Moving… A mantra that perfectly fits the timeline of Baz. It’s a good one, I think. I’ve already etched its remembrance into my heart. Get Moving is a reminder to myself to continue moving forward, regardless of the troubles that I encounter. I’ve had issues in the past where I always believed that the path towards happiness would be straight and forthcoming. That I wouldn’t have to adapt and strengthen myself to climb the rigors of the world. But, personal struggles have shown me that there will always be forks in the road. At times I’ve seen myself take one step forward, only to be set back eight. The backwardsness of it all has been enlightening, honestly. Though costly, I have been able to deduce my errors, correct them and better myself in the process.

Get Moving

The Upside Down

Now it’s me who:

…responds ever so quickly to those texts and eagerly waits hours for your response

…effectively communicates those long messages, only to get short, trivial messages in return

…consistently wondering if things will ever get better, even though you seem happy with where you’re at

…is placing you on a pedestal, thinking of how perfect you are in every single way

…feeling like I’m not worth your love, or anyone’s in general

…is looking for every type of event, restaurant, or whatever to peak your interest so you’ll hang out with me

…will do anything to try one more time

 

The Upside Down