I’ve been wanting to show you this letter, but I’ve been shying away. This is my way of self-reflection. You deserve the space that you need, and to be fair, you don’t have to reply or saying anything about this letter at all. I’m scared of what it could do, honestly. But you have a right to know how I feel, and I hope that is okay. Even if you never open this, I’ll be somewhat content knowing that it’s with you.
What am I so afraid of? I’m afraid to lose you without showing you how I should’ve been. I’m afraid that I’ll never get to show you the person you once fell in love with. I’m afraid to lose you to someone else. I’m afraid that we’ll never get another chance to see us happy together.
In the past, I was overly-stressed, selfish, and focused on myself for so long that I forgot about you and I. Truly, realizations have shown me that focusing in on the present is more important, especially when it comes to forming relationships with the ones you love. I rarely communicated with you, and I’m sorry for that. With the way we’re communicating right now (which is nice, by the way), I feel the tables have turned a little. From my perspective, now I’m the one who is anxiously waiting for those responses, only to get them hours later with simplified responses. It hurts, Karina, and now I know how that feels. I’m sorry for putting you through that for so long. That was a terrible way to communicate. But, with all that said, I do remember when we communicated so well in the past. You said it yourself–it was like magic.
I miss you. I really do miss you. I miss, when you’re so giddy and happy while laying down bed, that you furiously kick your legs up and down with excitement. Or when you’re feeling shy, you hide yourself with the bedsheets, only to give me a glimmer of an eye to see you. I miss your smell and the ease it puts me into as we lay next to each other (Those nights laying, and cuddling, always put me to sleep really well). I miss when we called each other “baby love,” or when you called me “B.” I miss your creativity and your skill to look for the most intricate things in anything. I miss the relaxation you feel after those much-needed massage sessions on your back. I miss cuddling with you. I miss holding your hand. I miss your presence.
This is straight from my heart: I want to listen to your thoughts, your concerns, your happiness, your aspirations, your everything. Looking back, I’ve realized we work well together. But, also looking back, you probably view that so completely different. You probably think of me as an insensitive jerk, someone who is mean and non-empathetic, and quite frankly, someone who will continue to put his work/lifestyle over you. How do I show you that I’m a better person now? That I’m working towards being a better version of myself? That I’m really starting to live in the present? How do I show you that I’ve actually looked back and learned how to not be that guy?
Karina, I’ve never felt like this before. My heart, and my brain, well, they’ve been on overdrive for so long now that I don’t know what to do. How did you do it? I remember you were once in my position, but you got out. Look at you now! You’re doing amazing things. Taking trips. Completing rigorous schooling for your career. Taking care of your dad. Being an incredible cat and plant mom. You’re really doing so much and I aspire to be someone like you. You truly are an inspiration.
I’m reading an old email you sent me, where you wrote about how long it took for us to kiss because we wanted to build that foundation. I still think the foundation is present, though I’m sure we both know it could use a bit more stability. I’m more than happy to work on it if you are.
Cheesy, yet honest,