Love and Purgatory

Maybe I’m stuck here because you decided to text me. Or maybe it’s because you sent me that Snapchat out-of-the-blue. I was so committed to “No Contact” to win you back but here we are, texting each other. And I feel like I’m back in the same position I was when I confessed my feelings for you in my email. I was so vulnerable, but I really needed to you to know how I felt.

In case you’re wondering, it’s very hurtful when you take hours to text me back when I know you’re always on your phone. Plus, what are you even doing? You don’t even have a job, so what’s the deal? Are you confused about how you should answer? Are you confused if you want to be with me? Are you with someone else that you’ve ended up forgetting about me?

Do I deserve this for being a terrible communicator during our past? Look… even though I want you back, I’m starting to become cynical about starting over. From my own perspective, I know that I’ve become better, and I’ve changed to become that better version of myself that you wanted back when we were together. I know that, but you don’t, because the way you’re treating me is preventing me from showing you.

I still want you. I’ll still wait. But this has to stop. I texted you at 2:32pm and I still haven’t heard back. It’s now 11:41pm. Are you torturing me?

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Love and Purgatory

Hi, are you there?

I’ve been wanting to show you this letter, but I’ve been shying away. This is my way of self-reflection. You deserve the space that you need, and to be fair, you don’t have to reply or saying anything about this letter at all. I’m scared of what it could do, honestly. But you have a right to know how I feel, and I hope that is okay. Even if you never open this, I’ll be somewhat content knowing that it’s with you.

What am I so afraid of? I’m afraid to lose you without showing you how I should’ve been. I’m afraid that I’ll never get to show you the person you once fell in love with. I’m afraid to lose you to someone else. I’m afraid that we’ll never get another chance to see us happy together.

In the past, I was overly-stressed, selfish, and focused on myself for so long that I forgot about you and I. Truly, realizations have shown me that focusing in on the present is more important, especially when it comes to forming relationships with the ones you love. I rarely communicated with you, and I’m sorry for that. With the way we’re communicating right now (which is nice, by the way), I feel the tables have turned a little. From my perspective, now I’m the one who is anxiously waiting for those responses, only to get them hours later with simplified responses. It hurts, Karina, and now I know how that feels. I’m sorry for putting you through that for so long. That was a terrible way to communicate. But, with all that said, I do remember when we communicated so well in the past. You said it yourself–it was like magic.

I miss you. I really do miss you. I miss, when you’re so giddy and happy while laying down bed, that you furiously kick your legs up and down with excitement. Or when you’re feeling shy, you hide yourself with the bedsheets, only to give me a glimmer of an eye to see you. I miss your smell and the ease it puts me into as we lay next to each other (Those nights laying, and cuddling, always put me to sleep really well). I miss when we called each other “baby love,” or when you called me “B.” I miss your creativity and your skill to look for the most intricate things in anything.  I miss the relaxation you feel after those much-needed massage sessions on your back. I miss cuddling with you. I miss holding your hand. I miss your presence. 

This is straight from my heart: I want to listen to your thoughts, your concerns, your happiness, your aspirations, your everything. Looking back, I’ve realized we work well together. But, also looking back, you probably view that so completely different. You probably think of me as an insensitive jerk, someone who is mean and non-empathetic, and quite frankly, someone who will continue to put his work/lifestyle over you. How do I show you that I’m a better person now? That I’m working towards being a better version of myself? That I’m really starting to live in the present? How do I show you that I’ve actually looked back and learned how to not be that guy?

Karina, I’ve never felt like this before. My heart, and my brain, well, they’ve been on overdrive for so long now that I don’t know what to do. How did you do it? I remember you were once in my position, but you got out. Look at you now! You’re doing amazing things. Taking trips. Completing rigorous schooling for your career. Taking care of your dad. Being an incredible cat and plant mom. You’re really doing so much and I aspire to be someone like you. You truly are an inspiration.

I’m reading an old email you sent me, where you wrote about how long it took for us to kiss because we wanted to build that foundation. I still think the foundation is present, though I’m sure we both know it could use a bit more stability. I’m more than happy to work on it if you are.

Cheesy, yet honest,

B

Hi, are you there?

Get Moving

Get Moving… A mantra that perfectly fits the timeline of Baz. It’s a good one, I think. I’ve already etched its remembrance into my heart. Get Moving is a reminder to myself to continue moving forward, regardless of the troubles that I encounter. I’ve had issues in the past where I always believed that the path towards happiness would be straight and forthcoming. That I wouldn’t have to adapt and strengthen myself to climb the rigors of the world. But, personal struggles have shown me that there will always be forks in the road. At times I’ve seen myself take one step forward, only to be set back eight. The backwardsness of it all has been enlightening, honestly. Though costly, I have been able to deduce my errors, correct them and better myself in the process.

Get Moving

The Upside Down

Now it’s me who:

…responds ever so quickly to those texts and eagerly waits hours for your response

…effectively communicates those long messages, only to get short, trivial messages in return

…consistently wondering if things will ever get better, even though you seem happy with where you’re at

…is placing you on a pedestal, thinking of how perfect you are in every single way

…feeling like I’m not worth your love, or anyone’s in general

…is looking for every type of event, restaurant, or whatever to peak your interest so you’ll hang out with me

…will do anything to try one more time

 

The Upside Down

Get Out (A revision of 9/6/17)

Sleep? No way, I’m putting your brain on an eclectic overcharge tonight. And maybe not just tonight, but every night until you’re so tired that tomorrow’s breakfast will happen at sunset. And that awaited response from the last text message you sent? You bet, I’m going to make sure you obsess over that next buzz on your phone. I hope you understand that this is well-deserved. You put her through all of this once before, err… many times before!… and now it’s time to swap roles. I’m sure your feet might hurt a little bit in those shoes, but you’ll get used to it. The aches, I promise, they tend to minimize the longer you stay in bed. How do I know this? Trust me! It’s what I do; and it’s easier this way. Sleep? Ok, fine, I’ll let you have it, though you’ve gotta promise me that you won’t shower, clean, rationalize, or eat vegetables. The phone, sure, you can have it, but only if you repeatedly check her Instagram, Facebook or Snapchat. Ya feel me, bro?

 

 

Get Out (A revision of 9/6/17)